I Felt Like I Failed My Kids, I Was an Awful Dad
May, 1998...the date isn't important, but the memory is still fresh in my mind. In some ways it feels like it happened yesterday:
It was Monday morning, the first day I dropped off my son at daycare. I knew this day was coming from the moment he was born but that didn't make it any easier for me. Emotionally, I was a wreck. ���You may think it's no big deal, you just dropped off your kid...so what? Well, I'll tell you so what...
When my son (and later my daughter) was born, I promised I'd do whatever it took to be a good father, just like my Dad was to me. (Full disclosure, Dad worked the equivalent of three full-time jobs to take care of his five kids: four sisters and me, as well as Mom. He drove double-shifts on the bus and after getting a quick bite to eat and a nap he'd go right back out and drive a taxicab overnight)
But as I dropped him off I felt guilty. ���� I failed to take care of my child; I was a terrible Dad because I didn't live up to my Dad's standard. Face it folks, those were big shoes to fill; he was a tough act to follow. I hated myself for feeling like I had no choice but to trust my most precious treasure to people I didn't know, who couldn't possibly care about him as much as I do.
"Don't worry, he's in good hands," they kept trying (and failing) to reassure me. But they were wrong. He wasn't in good hands because he wasn't in MY hands. I felt like I voluntarily ripped my heart from my chest and reluctantly agreed to watch the clock, counting the hours, minutes, and seconds until I could rush out the door at the end of the day and get my heart back.���
In January 2004 when I dropped off my daughter for the first time, the feeling hadn't changed. People say you get used to it, but they're wrong; you never do. I regretted every moment I couldn't do what I wanted with and for my kids, but I didn't know what else to do.
If only I knew then what I know now...
Years later I was introduced to something that could have helped me back then. I believe it can help any goodhearted, loving parent escape the trap of guilt, helplessness, and powerlessness I felt, so they can devote time to their kids the way I couldn't, to be the loving Moms and Dads they always wanted to be.
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